Outstanding Valentines 2023

    This year my Valentines Day was very special.

    I saw a woman, or I’d rather say a little lost girl. I met her before, but that day I understood her better.

    I saw a girl doing her best for a man she cared about. I saw she was a good friend, able to do incredible things to save her friendships. I saw her searching for closure and piece of heaven, which is simply safety. I saw her cooking for him, I saw her caring every single moment how he feels, supporting him, standing behind him loyal like a soldier.

    I saw her crying, because one day he left. I saw her blaming herself, looking for reason why it happened and carrying a huge guilt about things she could do better.

    This Valentines Day I hugged her. I hugged myself. Finally, after almost 30 years.

I forgive him

    I was on two therapy sessions. On the first one I dominated my therapist, she wasn’t able to speak too much. Maybe because I wanted her to know everything about my attitude and past.

    On a second session I was giving up a little bit and I listened to her point of view. I realized, how important is listening carefully, even if some words might be cruel. Part of our conversation was like cold shower for me, but after two days these words reached my mind.

    I missed my friend so much, that I forgot about myself. I blamed myself so heavily, I couldn’t carry the luggage he left me with. But I understood, not everything was easy for him as well. I don’t know how he feels right now, if he’s proud of his behavior, if he still thinks about us or even remember me. But I know one thing for sure.

    He left me when I needed him the most, and I can’t change this fact. It was his decision and no matter how much I’ll try to change it, it’s in his hands. I have to stop hoping. I was crying days and nights, because I thought I lost someone worthy. Someone with values.

    I attached these values to him. I made him perfect in my mind, but in reality he wasn’t. To be honest today I’m not sure if I even liked real him. I guess, I don’t.

People say that we will be remembered by the way we made other people feel. I’m aware I made him feel bad – and yes, I have to accept it. But he also didn’t treat me well. Why should I keep crying over someone who couldn’t support me when I was in hell?

    It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, not at all. But he wasn’t just a person to stay in my life. And my life doesn’t need to be empty without him. I have a lot of amazing friends supporting me, learning about BPD to understand me better, patiently holding my hand while I’m crying. I want to love them more, they deserve it.

    And I wanna keep loving „enemies” as well. That we stopped being friends and now he hates me, doesn’t mean I have to be same. I want to be better. I don’t wanna hate, it’s awful feeling.

    I wanna smile to him. And don’t react on pain inside me, because sooner or later it will pass. I want to accept his pain, walk throught this hell – because I’m powerful. And I forgive him.

    Soon I will forgive myself as well. I’m on my way.

It’s not easy to bring yourself relief

    WARNING: POST MIGHT BE TRIGGERING!

    If you think suiciders are cowards, you need to be really stupid (sorry, but borderliners are brutally honest).

    Coming back to that shitty Friday night when I wanted to „eliminate myself” – I wasn’t sad, angry, upset or mad. I even can’t say I was disappointed by friend who left me. I was just… tired. You have no idea how much we’re tired.

    Tired of emotional and mental pain I had to experience (now decreased by medicines). Tired of being scared 24/7. Tired of not sleeping few nights in a row.

    Animals instinctly kill themself if they suffer too much and they know there’s no other way to bring themself relief. Suiciders instinctly try to find the best way to relieve the pain.

    Once, when I was a kid, I saw a wasp who killed herself after drinking a drop of beer from the table in the garden. I will never forget how she curled up into the ball like a small cute embryo and stung herself. For long time she was fighting with beer impact on her, but she got too tired of this and this is how she escaped the hell.

    Did it end her pain? Yes. Next time think twice before asking me „Why did you do that?!”.

    Same happened to me. I still don’t see any evacuation doors from this hell and I’m not sure if I’ll ever find them. Remember, we’re only people. We’re allowed to give up if we feel too tired.

    I’d say my tiredness reached the level called „extreme exhausted” that night. Flames took over my soul. This fire is seriously unbearable.

    Medicines made me calm and I don’t care about anything today. It’s kind of painkiller… and unfortunately emotion-killer as well.

They said „set boundaries”, „will be fun!”… they said.

    WARNING: POST MIGHT BE TRIGGERING!

    How much of hypocrisy mental disorders will reveal? It’s so easy to google BPD and get instructions „How to get rid off borderline person from your life”. On youtube are special tutorials, so feel free to use them if you think I’m a psychopath.

    Very often I see „set boundaries”. This one point I truly support! My ex-friend set boundaries and I can’t cross them. Maybe that’s good to stay away from me if he’s afraid of the monster I raised inside me for all these years. Even I am afraid of it, so slowly I started „letting him go” from my overthinking psycho-mind. Pity I can’t let myself go as well and I’m stucked with this monster in one body. I can’t run away, but he can. Lucky him!

    Just considering… Why I can’t cross his boundaries? I didn’t see these boundaries in my bed before. Suddenly he set them. That point is not super important, people like to change their mind.   

    If he decided he doesn’t want me to contact him – I can’t do it and if I try I’m „the bad one” in his story. Of course I tried. I start therapy as of tomorrow, so my borderline dragon keeps flying unleashed. And I’m aware I won’t fasten the leash after one session. Sad everyone understands only him, not me.

    I called him when I tried to commit suicide. When he heard my voice he disconnected immediately. It pushed me more, I barely survived that night. I had to vomit for 3 hours and drink a lot of liters of untasty water (whatever they added to my glass…).

    Why all my boundaries are crossed by so many people? In the end of this story, I’m still asking „why”? Why people decide to rescue me without my permission? It’s my decision when I want to end up my life. Why they cross my boundaries and decide in behalf of me?

    I started taking medicines and my mind is a bit more clear now. Or maybe I’m just too tired to repeat this suicide successfully. It requires a lot of effort as well and I prefer to stay in bed.

    Maybe one day I will say thanks to my friend who rescued my life. Today, I simply don’t feel thankful yet.

The friendship I killed

    Borderline people „need a trigger” to get activated with their „split” attack. I also got triggered and my split lasts since begining of December.

    My friend left. He just walked away from my life. And many of you can think „oh come on, girl, just let it go, he didn’t deserve to be in your life”. I heard it so many times, but no one understands. Borderline is kind of phobia.

    We have phobia of leaving us. If someone leaves we turn on survival mode, it’s like „do or die” in our heads. This is what I’ve done in December, I went on a war with someone I cared about and I lost him. I shot him with my insulting words. If you’d see me that day you’d say „daaamn, why you’re so angry with him!?”. No, I wasn’t angry at all. There was no anger inside me. I was scared of losing him. My heart was filled with love and care, it just got covered with fear.

    Daniel Goleman in his „Emotional Intelligence” also mentioned that fear is the hardest emotion to control (even for healthy people). What do we do when we’re scared? A lot of irrational things, we just get paralyzed. Like deer in the middle of the street while car moving on him. This deer is smart enough to know if we run, he can avoid death, but he’s simply paralyzed by fear. The car driver knows he should press the brake, but he’s scared and in this panic he steps on the accelerator. BOM!

    Why do I compare to this? Because that’s exactly what I felt. I pressed my accelerator. So... he left and he had rights to do so. We’re all free people. He decided to kick me out of his life.

    It was me - I killed this friendship. And the burden of guilt started crushing my mind. Every evening I can’t promise anyone I will make it till tomorrow morning. This loss has a huge price, it may cost me life, but I try to be strong. Only hope keeps me breathing.

    So please don’t take my hope away.

Ignorance disorder

    Coming back to my thought about „zombieland”. I’m aware it sounds a bit extreme and many of you see me as a crazy one. But don’t you see a common denominator for all of disorders?

    I’m not depressed person, but I feel them. They were neglected for enough time to feel like a sh*t right now. Doctors increase their mood with medicines, but all the needed was a bit more love. What caused their current health state?

    Ignorance.

    I’m not sure if I’m ADHD because I’ll have DIVA test next friday, but I read about this disorder as well – attention deficit. What’s the factor decreasing their health?

    Ignorance.

    DPD – dependent personality disorder, I call it „borderline’s sister”. People mentally weaker than average, depending on others, believing others are good and helpful. Forgetting how beautiful are their own souls. What pushes them to cut their veins?

    Ignorance.

    And finally – borderline. Carrying too much love for others, a bit too sensitive, hug-needy and extremely empathetic, so empathy becomes their enemy sometimes. What triggers our „split” attacks?

    Ignorance.

    If we’d cure people from ignorance, we’d avoid a lot of emotional pain in the world. I know it’s much harder to raise some feelings and it’s much shorter path if we remove them from our hearts. But it’s leading us to nowhere.

    What’s my state here? I accepted the challenge to clean my heart. Do you know why? Because I stopped believing people are good or people will understand me. I want to change and I’m motivated, because I’m done with pain drilling my soul.

    I will take these pills, I will train my heart to shut up. That’s the only one way for us to survive. If you suffer for any of above disorders, I encourage you to do same.

Zombie apocalypse upcoming

     Just few days ago I got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Today I found piece of energy to push myself to do something more ambitious than crying, so I start with this diary. This will support my therapy, let me monitor my progress and also share the story about killing emotions. This is very sad story.

     People say „it’s ok, at least you got diagnosed”. They know, but they don’t understand. For me it’s too late, I already lost someone. I wish I knew about my disorder before, so I could avoid it. Now I’m laying on a ground and wondering what happened with society?

    Am I sick or they are? Let me explain my point of view before I start therapy. Borderline people are extremely emotional. Nowadays, being emotional is officially a disorder. They treat us with medicines to kill our emotions. We need to decrease our feeling to fit to the rest of society. A society full of heartless people - people who forgot how to love, how to give a hug, who think „love” exists only in marriages, who have friends to have fun, but no one around when they’re sad. 

    Maybe it's not about us "feeling too much", but it's about them "feeling too less"? Why no one wants to heal ignorance? Why there's no name for this disorder? No label to stick to their forehead?

    Am I sick? Or am I just a minority? Soon they’ll kill of all emotional people. World will become a zombieland. It's a real zombie apocalypse.

     I’m in the begining of the journey and I’m already tired. I’m aware I need to learn how to control my feelings, but I’m also aware I will let them kill something beautiful inside me. Something what's angry I cooperate with them. Something what wants to kill me now and whispers to my ear to jump from the bridge.

    I’m borderline and I need a hug.